There's nothing quite like football on a Sunday afternoon. There's really nothing else to do, because no one's quite as important as my favorite team. Am I right, or am I right? Well, one of those Sundays a few years ago came with an unexpected bonus: an earth quake. The building began to shake and shimmer. It wasn't the kind of shimmering you see with twerpy guys on Broadway, but between the shaking earth and building and, in contrast, sun, the building actually shimmered. Consequently, I get to say I survived the Earth's rumbles and grumbles - Mother Nature has nothing on me now.
That's why I've come to realize the pip squeak Mama Natural has gone soft on us. Seriously, a "moderate earthquake" ain't going to do nothing to the people of San Francisco. They've seen a few in their day and found earthquakes wanting. Why else would people actually live there, if they'd let pesky 5.6 earth quakes ruin their day? Aftershocks aren't even a test of courage, they're just there so people don't get bored after the "big" quake.
If Mama Natural wants to stay relevant, before all her useless ice bergs melt away, she ought to drop that sucker on a city that's not built to sustain earth quakes. Preferably, a useless, ugly city that no one cares about - like Houston. Texans are supposed to be hardened, crazy sons of bitches, so let's see them deal with that instead of the battle-tested people of San Francisco.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Dear Colorado Rockies
Dear Colorado Rockies,
Congratulations on getting to the World Series. It's not every day that a team can win 21 out of 22 games, especially against playoff-caliber teams. Though you're about to be crushed by the superior Boston Red Sox, I'm sure Colorado fans will still be cheering wildly. Given the organization's tendency toward God-worshipping, though, I just wanted to write in advance that the reason you lost isn't because God smited you, though it could be because your organization is bat shit crazy.
I was reading the NY Times today, trapped at an auto mechanical laboratory for cars, when I realized there was something more to the Colorado Rockies.
Seriously, viewing which of the two images above, right before an at bat, would make someone more likely to swing hard? The latter is for mediocre wannabees, while the former is for Rock Solid Closers. Need more evidence? Possibly Colorado's greatest offensive player ever, Todd Helton, has been limited to just 19 home runs during this year's regular season. On the other hand, I don't think Manny and Pappy have been reading much Genesis lately.
Of course, it's interesting that an organization that plays at Coors Field claims to be such a God-oriented team. I didn't know a team funded in part by those who would enable drunk drivers could be so concerned about morality. Ironically, it was a lesson learned by the team's Chief Executive, who was under probation for 18 months for driving while impaired. Yet, the team still isn't as dry as it is religious - which isn't to say I don't enjoy a good, wet one (indeed, it's a favorite past time) - I'm just pointing out the inconsistencies here.
Thankfully, the Red Sox embrace their drunkenness, famously taking shots before Game 6 of the '04 ALCS, the Greatest Comeback Ever. So, screw Colorado's Wednesday bible studies and players with "good character," I'll take the fun-loving, energetic, enthusiastic sinners of the Boston Red Sox. Not only are they more interesting, but they're damned cocky sons of bitches and have been here before, fairly recently. For all those reasons, God is being left out of it, leaving the fate of the Sox in their own hands.
Sincerely,
Frank
Congratulations on getting to the World Series. It's not every day that a team can win 21 out of 22 games, especially against playoff-caliber teams. Though you're about to be crushed by the superior Boston Red Sox, I'm sure Colorado fans will still be cheering wildly. Given the organization's tendency toward God-worshipping, though, I just wanted to write in advance that the reason you lost isn't because God smited you, though it could be because your organization is bat shit crazy.
I was reading the NY Times today, trapped at an auto mechanical laboratory for cars, when I realized there was something more to the Colorado Rockies.
The role of religion within the Rockies’ organization first entered the public sphere in May 2006, when an article published in USA Today described the organization as adhering to a “Christian-based code of conduct” and the clubhouse as a place where Bibles were read and men’s magazines, like Maxim or Playboy, were banned.
There's a little known secret: guys who aren't getting their rocks off aren't going to hit home runs. Reading passages of Genesis isn't going to exactly stir the passions of Troy Tulowitzki or Todd Helton (and believe me, at his age and condition, he needs his passions stirred), but Playboy magazine will. Just compare the two:
Seriously, viewing which of the two images above, right before an at bat, would make someone more likely to swing hard? The latter is for mediocre wannabees, while the former is for Rock Solid Closers. Need more evidence? Possibly Colorado's greatest offensive player ever, Todd Helton, has been limited to just 19 home runs during this year's regular season. On the other hand, I don't think Manny and Pappy have been reading much Genesis lately.
Of course, it's interesting that an organization that plays at Coors Field claims to be such a God-oriented team. I didn't know a team funded in part by those who would enable drunk drivers could be so concerned about morality. Ironically, it was a lesson learned by the team's Chief Executive, who was under probation for 18 months for driving while impaired. Yet, the team still isn't as dry as it is religious - which isn't to say I don't enjoy a good, wet one (indeed, it's a favorite past time) - I'm just pointing out the inconsistencies here.
Thankfully, the Red Sox embrace their drunkenness, famously taking shots before Game 6 of the '04 ALCS, the Greatest Comeback Ever. So, screw Colorado's Wednesday bible studies and players with "good character," I'll take the fun-loving, energetic, enthusiastic sinners of the Boston Red Sox. Not only are they more interesting, but they're damned cocky sons of bitches and have been here before, fairly recently. For all those reasons, God is being left out of it, leaving the fate of the Sox in their own hands.
Sincerely,
Frank
Scary Frank's Primordial Ooze
In the beginning, there was Frank's '03 black Honda Civic. Purchased new, but with 53,000 miles, it travelled far and wide across the Globe, with Frank in it. Somewhere along the lines, the breaks went and Frank was locked in a room alone, just waiting for his car to be fixed. Lonely and bored, cabin fever set in. Frank became Scary Frank and the rest is history.
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